The Marauders Take On Mary Sues
by Calsita
Summary: The Marauders don't like Mary Sues. They go on the Oprah show to explain why.


Sirius Black strolled across the stage, seeming quite out of place next to  
the soft pastel couches and women in business suits. Of course, it would be  
quite a talented person that could make Sirius Black fit on the stage of  
Oprah. Since the author is not that talented-nor that stupid- to try,  
Sirius stood out like...like, well, a Marauder on the Oprah show. He  
reached the couches where a few "Girl-Power!" Spokeswomen sat, eyeing him  
in distaste. He sat down between Oprah and an abuse councilor, crossing his  
legs and batting his eyelashes.

"This is Sirius Black" Oprah explained. "And he is here to tell us  
about abuse...a very special sort of abuse. A wicked, cruel sort of abuse  
that we on the Oprah show plan to destroy. Sirius?"

"Thank you, Oprah. Yes, that's what I'm here to talk about, and I bid  
all fan fiction writers to pay attention. There is a sickening new tool of  
pain going around, and this tool is called Mary-Sue. Pay close attention  
now. I have some graphs to help me." He stood up and walked over to where a  
large overhead showed a story. "Here is a good, nice fan fiction.

_Sirius walked through the Great Hall, looking sexy as ever. Which, was  
naturally, very sexy. So sexy you could stare at him and his sexiness  
would temporarily rub off on you. Yes, Sirius Black was indeed that  
sexy. His dark hair flowed into his gorgeous eyes as he passed Remus  
Lupin, who was obviously not as hot as Sirius._

Sirius was cut off by a loud "BULL CRAP!" as one very indignant Remus  
stormed on stage. He snatched the black conducting stick Sirius had been  
using to point to each word and thwapped Sirius with it. "Not as hot?"  
Remus demanded, crossing his arms and glaring.

"Honestly, Moony, its nothing to be ashamed of." Sirius said humbly. "Not many can   
possess my talent for being sexy."

"You have a talent for being an idiot, but not sexy." Remus snorted. "Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very sorry you had to meet the lovable moron we call Padfoot, but if you'll   
allow me, I'll continue to explain about Mary Sue abuse and how it affects us all." He shoved Sirius back onto the couch and began to pace. "Long ago, JK Rowling thought us characters   
up and wrote a book. Rather, five books. I won't go into the details of the books, especially   
the fifth, as the author and her friends may attack me ifI do." He eyed the ceiling for a moment before continuing. "So, she created us, each with flaws-"

"Except me!" Sirius chimed.

"Even Padfoot. No, excuse me, especially Padfoot. Well, as it happened, she made a lot of money off these books and obviously, people began to write fan fiction. Of course, everyone wants to live in a universe full of secrets and magic and all sorts of mishaps and adventures.   
So people began inserting themselves in these stories. Falling in love with Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy, or even one of us Marauders." Remus bit his lip. "But as it happens, we already have girlfriends."

"Hooray!" Sirius cheered from the sofa. "Yay for sex! Yay for sex! I  
like sex, you know." He turned to the spokeswomen and winked. "It's very  
healthy."

"Sirius, would you like some hand lotion?" Remus asked irritably.

"No."

"Then hush and don't interrupt me." Remus continued. "Now this is the point in most stories where the author would insert themselves and a friend. There is no need. We characters know who we are marfing. Anyway, as I was saying, Mary-Sues. So, authors began to put   
themselves in the stories. And suddenly, every MWPP author was having nightly sex with Sirius  
or I. Or" here Remus cringed "Sirius and I were the ones having nightly sex. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my Padfoot...but...I AM NOT GAY!"

"I'm very straight." Sirius said eagerly. "I like sex."

"Right. So, these authors slowly evolved until it wasn't MWPP stories or Harry Potter stories or even Malfoy stories. It was "Jenna Goes to Hogwarts!" and "Debbie Does Diagon Alley!" and the occasional "Lily Has Another Sister Named Brittney Who Is So Much Prettier And Smarter And Better And Wonderful-Er Then Lily Herself" and the like." Remus' eyes were  
ablaze. "Let me set the record straight. WE DO NOT LIKE OR IN ANY WAY ENJOY  
THESE SORT OF STORIES!"

"Mary Sues should all burn." Sirius hissed.

This is when one very peeved James Potter made his appearance. With a loud POP he was standing next to Remus, glaring at the audience. "You all listening? Lily only has one sister and she's hard enough to deal with! Don't make it worse by adding more! Brittney! Brittney! What kind of a name is Brittney? And Rose! Don't even try it!" James shouted bitterly. "And no  
one is prettier then my Lily! Do you hear me!? NO ONE!"

"This is just one example at the sort of strain Mary Sues put on us." Remus scolded. "Do you realize what you're doing to us? It's driven James to tears many a times. Don't you realize he loves no one as he loves Lily? And as for Sirius and I..." Remus clicked his tongue and shook his head. "The Wolf inside me is NOT SEARCHING FOR A MATE LIKE SIRIUS! If you must know, I have a thing for redheads." Remus paused. "Especially ones from Canada. Nice accents and good cooks."

"Remmie," Sirius said slowly "back to your point."

"Right...Mary Sues. They ruin lives. They turn us into horrible sluts and yank everyone out of character with their gravitational pull. They make me a horny idiot and Sirius a responsible sap. They make James forget Lily and Peter not betray us. They are the hounds of Satan."

"No, that's me." Sirius interrupted.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Okay, they are the Sluts of Satan. Happy now?"

"I'm a slut too."

Remus flung the instructing stick at Sirius. "FINE! They are the Female Sluts of Satan!"

"So am- wait, no I'm not." Sirius went wide eyed and peeked down his pants. "Right. I'm not." He looked up and winked at the spokeswomen. "But do you want to make sure just for kicks?"

"SIRIUS! Stop hitting on the spokeswomen or I'll hand you over to your mother!" Remus snapped. Sirius sulked, continuing to play with his waistband. "And stop that! Its bad enough you have to wear pants that make you look like a sardine!"

"A well equipped sardine, maybe."

Remus blanched. "I, nor the audience, nor the spokeswomen, nor Oprah, want to hear about that."

"Actually" one of the spokeswomen raised her hand "I do!"

Everyone starred at her, except Sirius who turned and stuck his tongue out at Remus. Remus shuddered and continued talking. "As I was saying, about Mary Sues, they need to be destroyed. Don't you understand?" A strange look clouded his eyes. "They try to change us...make us forget who we love...I'M ALREADY IN LOVE! I AM! AND THESE MARY SUES-"Remus began to flail "THEY UPSET MY GIRLFRIEND! She's dangerous when upset..."

Sirius stopped playing for a moment to whimper. It seemed Remus had just mentioned the end of the world. A large maple leaf suddenly fell from the sky and thwapped Remus lightly on the head. "I mean...oh yes, the Mary Sues...they...they..." Remus burst into tears. "Why can't you stop writing them!? WHY!? They are destroying everything I've held on to! You think you can win my affection by forcing me into a relationship!?"

Sirius took his cue to stand up and put a consoling arm around Remus. "Shh, now Remus, its all okay. The nice, kind authors are going to stop writing Mary Sues...or else." Sirius growled menacingly at the audience and led Remus off stage.

The stage was silent. Oprah was wide eyed. The spokeswomen were terribly horny. Suddenly a perfectly shaped, blonde girl sauntered on in a mini skirt that managed to not look sluttish. Her amazingly bright green eyes lit up as her red lips smiled, revealing pearly teeth. "Where is my  
Remmie-poo? He's always wondering off." Oprah weakly pointed off stage and as the girl walked, the cameras followed.

She followed the trail of starry-eyed women until she came to a dressing room labeled "Marauders." She, of course, did not need to knock as she walked in and spotted Remus, hiccupping into Sirius.

"Remmie-poo!"

The camera went black. Suddenly, emergency cameras back on stage were starring at the dead remains of "Angel Potter", a very pleased looking Sirius standing over her. "One down." He said gleefully, twirling his shotgun. "6798765857456785864758658648764586567596595 to go."


End file.
